


three attempts

by sseundalkhom



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: F/M, JiHan, M/M, Multi, Past Character Death, Reincarnation, Suicide Attempt, bless your heart, shujeong - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-09-22 06:42:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9589286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sseundalkhom/pseuds/sseundalkhom
Summary: people need several attempts to get together with their fate, in order to be together, they tend to experience several thingsand joshua with jeonghan......





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Hurt](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/262031) by seubseulham. 



> please bear the angst which actually it's based on real life from someone I know the most

a story that was a continuation from [here](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1218214/hurt-joshua-jihan-jeonghan-shujeong) also I posted it earlier [here](https://sseundalkhom.wixsite.com/abasketoflove/single-post/2017/02/06/three-attempts-12)

it's Joshua's POV

 

 

> **_first_ **
> 
>  
> 
> it was a start of everything, but i was born in the higher class. i never met people out from the family border. it was boring though. so i preferred to socialise to people out from the house I lived. but a thing avoided me to have more interaction by myself alone to people outside the home. i went out with my butler. he was older than me, a mature one to take care of me when i wanted to have a fresh air beside the environment beside my manor. 
> 
>  
> 
> one day, i saw a girl with long hair walking with slight jump, passing through the market i used to go for a path to go out from the house. she was very happy, swaying a basket in her grip to back and fro. but it was not only the first… i had seen her many times afterwards yet i never knew what her name was until the day i passed out. we passed each other. 
> 
>  
> 
> i saw her shocking to see a crowd of crying people. it was my people — the family and the housekeeper who had paid attention a lot of my health. just because i could not bear the sickness for long, i gave up. but my soul had seen her passing by the crowd with shocked face. she was beautiful in white. however it’s too late. the moment when my dead body passed by her, i sensed she had married another man. 
> 
>  
> 
> firstly i was glad when she found another man — well, i never thought in the end she was forced to marry an older man with many wives. my soul never be calm that time. i had watched over her. she could not bear a child because of the abuse. she never was treated as a noble lady. even when she had a sickness. none was sorrowful of her end while i was mad of myself for not being able to approach and propose her in the first place. 
> 
>  
> 
> so i prayed to Heaven to let me have a beautiful life with her in the next life. 
> 
>  
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> **_two_ **
> 
>  
> 
> It was the second life I had experience. 
> 
>  
> 
> It was good at all. I was born in a good family again. For the sake of myself, I grew up in nice state. But i found her again. No, it’s him. She was born into a man. A good man at all. He studied well — not too mention how many achievements he got, I was proud of him. 
> 
>  
> 
> Yet he did not remember anything else about the past life. Perhaps he had prayed to erase all the bad memories. However, he never raised in a good family like me, albeit he had a mother who supported him in all costs. 
> 
>  
> 
> He had met good friends, but not close. He had become a wise one for everything. He prayed for a perfect partner. I was made for him. 
> 
>  
> 
> Everything was good for the first time. I was thankful of having this good life. But it did not last long. We broke up. All the string that I’ve prayed for many nights before this second life, it became tangled. He had found out that the string was bound him and I together. It was everyone’s desire to meet their soulmate, the one who had made for them only. He was happy at the first place, but later…. he wished he ever be able to cut it off. Although he was unhappy to decide a break up for us. 
> 
> Everything was going unwell after the break up. I still wished to have a good ending with him afterwards. But nothing good came for me. 
> 
>  
> 
> It went for 4 years, and my parents had forced me to have a family. So there I was. Marrying a woman who I just met through blind date. She had a good smile, but never as warm as the one I loved so much. She was pretty but never be able to compete how pretty he was in my eyes. My parents was a bit happier to know I was agreed with the marriage thoughts. 
> 
>  
> 
> _But I wasn’t._
> 
>  
> 
> It was a remark where I had to live with another person. 
> 
>  
> 
> I had to live with someone who never be my soulmate. 
> 
>  
> 
> It’s the day before my matrimony day. I called him. I saw his name in my contact. I still saved his number but I was never brave enough to call him back then. His voice was still deep and flustering me. I wished I could be able to soothe myself to be calm when I saw him. 
> 
>  
> 
> Every seconds became a thrilling moments of waiting for his arrival. 
> 
>  
> 
> He was still the same. The same gorgeous who ever been in my hold. The same gorgeous man who relied so much on me. so did I. He wore the beautiful smile, the one I had found when I proposed him that time. Yeah — I proposed him, but I lost him in the end. I wished I could turn back the time or grabbed him now, the moment I saw him, and runaway for good. 
> 
>  
> 
> _It did not happen._
> 
>  
> 
> It’s him who left me again, for the second times. I saw a bitterness through his eyes but his smile distracted me to believe that he was okay. He was happy to see I bringing a good news. It was his wish to see me in the aisle with someone was better than him. Although it was impossible to find someone better than him. Even the bride was far from my taste. Just because she liked me, I married her despite the fact that I did not love her. I just pitied her at all. 
> 
>  
> 
> On the day of my matrimony with the girl, 
> 
>  
> 
> I barely seen him at the church. Even the groomsmen, which actually my friends who also his friends, asked about his attendance.
> 
>  
> 
> “Did you really ask him to come here, Joshua?” My friends showed a smug face on their face. “Do you really intend to hurt him again?” I shook my head. I had no intention of it, I just wish he would stand up and steal me from the bride. I just wanted to marry him, on the other hand, I could not dishonour my family by being that rude. I wandered my eyes throughout the church. 
> 
>  
> 
> A women came to me, bringing a bouquet of baby’s breath and a little box. It was the box of my engagement ring with him. The box that I used when I proposed him that time. “I thought it was yours, Mr. Hong.” I smiled at him. My friends and my wife looked at me in askance. 
> 
>  
> 
> “Well, what’s that?” My wife started to be possessive. It was not right. I was being fury inside somehow when I heard a protective voice of her. 
> 
>  
> 
> “Don’t tell me that you’ve proposed him, Joshua.” My friends gasped in unison, even the bride of mine gripped my arm tightly as if she was mad if I proposed someone else before her. It’s like she stole someone’s groom unintentionally, and she was holding her anger toward me. 
> 
>  
> 
> I looked at Taehyung. “I did right, proposing him and making him happy yet jealous at the same times. What mistake that I did so I lose him again in this life?” 
> 
> My bride started to whine over it, while my ear was deafening at that times. I opened the little box. The ring was there. My mind was going wild. 
> 
>  
> 
> I shifted my feet to find an answer. I heard the guest, my family, my friends and the bride shouting my name to get back to the church. I’m sorry, mom, dad. I needed to find him. 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _Forty days after that,_
> 
>  
> 
> My family and in-law nagged me a lot. They thought I never be serious with the marriage. Here I was, stared into his picture. 
> 
>  
> 
> Jeonghan was passed away. He left me. 
> 
>  
> 
> It was like a karma when I left him, in this life he left me for his turn. I thanked his family to put his smiley face near his ashes. He looked so free with that smile, seemed so happy eventually. 
> 
>  
> 
> I wanted to follow him. I was so lonely here without my soulmate. “Jeonghan-ah, if I die now…” 
> 
>  
> 
> A tear ran down on my cheek. “He is so happy when he is with you.” I glanced at the side. It was his sister. I bowed my head a bit. 
> 
>  
> 
> “Congratulations, Shua, for your wedding.” Her voice was cold. Same like Jeonghan had. I never met his sister from the previous life. Yet in this life, I met his family. Silently I prayed for the next life. I hoped the string I prayed for, from the previous life, never got broken although Jeonghan had ever wished to not meet me just because of my soft side. 
> 
>  
> 
> I looked up at the ceiling. 
> 
>  
> 
> _Eighty days after that,_
> 
>  
> 
> People gathered in front the rack where Jeonghan’s ash was put on. One of them dragged his ashes to another rack. There had been already my ash. Many people had come all the way, giving a tribute to send two person who ever deeply in love but had to be separated eventually they got to the same rack, even it’s their ashes. My wife did not want to come — due she was embarrassed because in the end she was not the one I loved and married for a reason in the name of love while she had a crush on me, I knew it. 
> 
>  
> 
> Why I knew it all? 
> 
>  
> 
> Because in the end, I had to find him again for the next life. He was hiding somewhere to wait his turn while I myself, in the soul form, swayed to see the last time where my ash would be reunited with Jeonghan’s before I took a real leave to somewhere in peace meantime waiting for the third time for reborn again. Reborn as I was reborn to find and fulfil deity’s will based on my pray to get Jeonghan’s and made him happy until the end of my lifetime. 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> to be continued


	2. final.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> on third attempt, where they have a chance to meet again....

**_third._ **

 

It is a third life he has. 

 

It is a third opportunity he has to get him back. 

 

And Joshua will not waste it. _No matter what,_ he only wants him. No other else. 

 

 

It is just like another spring day. The flowers will bloom brightly during the season. Also the breeze will likely seem friendly to him and other people besides the fact people still get cold sometimes. But they still enjoy the spring season a lot. Everything seems like _rainbow and unicorn_ for this season. However not with one person that Joshua concerns a lot. He seems lonely. 

 

Yoon Jeonghan.

 

He has friends, _many,_ yet the latter still lonely at some reason. And Joshua knows why. The person still can not get rid of those plenty miseries that he keeps by himself inside his heart. Though a smile blooms on his face, those sad eyes still talks otherwise to him. Joshua only watches him from afar although they are classmate for some subjects. In addition, between two of them never say a word towards each other. 

 

Joshua will talk with other classmate, so will Jeonghan. He even doesn't know why he should act like that. Withal, Jeonghan does it too. He doesn't count how many times they cross path at campus but at some point they will not greet each other. Only a smile appears then goes as they pass each other. It is not weird at all because some people do it, _well_ for intentionally or not. However by some reasons, it looks like they pretend to not know each other. They dodge to approach one another. In spite of that, they steal a glance when the other doesn't look at them. 

 

Just like today. 

 

Joshua stares at him secretly. He has a lot thoughts inside his mind as he ogles the male constantly who busy to type down his assignment. _Hm,_ assignment, yeah it’s his assignment from their same class. Joshua giggles silently when he sees the latter tilting his head to the side and grumbling alone. He wants to help the latter, _really._ But it isn’t like he’s not brave enough to sound out — he just doesn't _know_ how to start a conversation towards him. He has done his assignment in a night before, so why not he helps him, _but no_ he is so damn dense until be reluctant to start it. 

 

Joshua sighs. Hopefully the librarian doesn't notice him who not reading his book, but instead of watching his crush afar. It is not a stupid crush, it’s his red-thread partner. His long lost one. His destiny that ever once be not his because of their own ego. The memories of the last pasts is still replaying whenever he take a deep sleep. That’s why he takes a cautiously step towards him. 

 

☘

 

Jeonghan perhaps has a hard time to do his assignment right now. He runs his finger through his hair in a frustration. He is sure that he will do it one day just because he needs some rest after stressful day — but the reality of his assignment really hits him hard. It is quite complicated to believe. He is an ace in this subject but this time his assignment is one of problematic thing which makes him to bide there. 

 

He sighs. _Also,_ he grumbles in a hush. He types again, and again, until he frustratedly shut his laptop down. As he close it, someone is sitting right in front of him. It is a person from his class. _Let’s say,_ a person from many class that they attend together. The person who never greets him in personal by saying a word, but only a smile he usually gives out. Jeonghan is a bit shocked to see the latter lapping his chin as if the latter have been waiting for the him since _no one knew_. 

 

“Er— hi?” He twitches an awkward smile. 

 

“Yeah, hi … hi, Jeonghan,” Joshua greets back. It is such a nice encounter for them both - but well it’s still awkward. 

 

Then, they fall in a deep silence before Jeonghan breaks the ice between. 

 

“So…is there anything that I can help?” 

 

Joshua shakes his head, but then he secretly smirks. “Help?” he snickers quietly, “I guess i’m the one who offer a hand here?” 

 

Jeonghan squints at him. “What do you…?” Joshua eyes his laptop. The latter solely nods before turning on his laptop again. 

 

“So you watch me?” 

 

Joshua snorts, feeling guilty and fun to be around him. “Well, I just want to help… _I guess._ ” He smiles afterwards, feeling an ease when Jeonghan looks at him in a friendly look. At least, he does a move forwards. 

 

Both of them are engrossed into the chore ultimately. On the other points, they start to not feel awkward towards one another. Either Joshua and Jeonghan feel glad, slowly they get rid of the ice between them. _Well_ , the assignment help them to befriend. The latter helps Jeonghan to do in no time which likely helps the other male a lot. 

 

Jeonghan is glad. He is glad, the latter is there when he needs a help. 

 

☘

 

From a simple encounter, they exchange some greetings whenever they directly after the class or before. It is a simple thing but their colleagues notice it. Even intermittently two of them will walk one another home, just like other baby steps people take. From class to canteen, from library to alleys, they walk together in a same pace unintentionally. By a slow step, two of them learn about themselves. They both have an opposite interest yet they seems matched to each other. 

 

Joshua is a type of independent person. He likes to be alone around though he has the same number of friends as Jeonghan has. Meanwhile Jeonghan is easily got stressed whenever he gets alone. Even doing an assignment without a companion, it annoys him a lot. Thanks to Joshua for now, besides he gets a help from the latter, he gets rid his stress easily. It’s not like he takes a benefit of Joshua’s presence, he simply feels comfort whenever he is around him. So does Joshua, beside the fact he doesn't want his Jeonghan be stolen by other person. 

 

All the companion never get complained by the friends surround them. On the contrary, they feel envious how they slide down and seems perfect to be together. As if all what they do, it seems natural and beyond a sense of friendship. People surrounds them doubt if they share a mutual feeling. 

 

Just like now.

 

Both friends of Joshua and Jeonghan gather and ogle them in a careful step. Two person walks down the building to get inside the library. A smile keeps appearing as though spring is always blooming around them. 

 

“Seriously, why they don’t date each other?” A voice fusses. Another person shrugs. 

 

“I keep thinking they are dating right now.” 

 

“Look, they are giggling to each other.” All the boys gasp in unison as they ogle them. Actually it is like watching a life romance yet it is sweeter than anything if they bet to compare. 

 

“If I giggle inside the library, I’m sure I will be at the blacklist for a month as detention.” 

 

“Too bad for you, Wonwoo,” another voice mocks. They is about to start a bickering but the oldest hushes them and continues to watch. 

 

Meanwhile inside the library, 

 

Jeonghan hands the book to Joshua as they pass another section. “Isn’t it too much?” 

 

He frowns. “Shua, I have no idea about what I should do for the next paper,” he says, seems sulking. Joshua chuckles then ruffles the latter’s hair which right away makes him blushing and stunned. 

 

Joshua rises an eyebrow. “You looks so pink,” he complements. Jeonghan chokes. A rose tint gets brighter across his cheek. He just flushes in blooming pink. He intends to finish faster before he gets home. 

 

“Han?” A sweet voice startles him from his hurry. “I can walk you home,” he says. Jeonghan shakes. 

 

“I can walk by myself.” 

 

“I insist,” he adds, pulls the latter into him by snaking his hand around Jeonghan’s waist. Just luckily, no one notices it and hears that Jeonghan almost squeaked a bit before. 

 

After making a borrowing process, they step out from the library. Joshua keeps his hand around Jeonghan, not wanting the latter get off his grip. But the latter also doesn't pull himself off. He naturally enjoys how Joshua holds him like that. _A protective one._  

 

The one he misses. 

 

Both of them remember vividly how the past keeps following and telling them. But one side is eager to fix it all while on the other side is hesitate to start again though the ending will never be same like before. 

 

One hold. 

 

From the unexpected sad ending until the unpredicted ending for their story, they remember it all. Both of them remember how they left the world for the first attempt in misery. Joshua could not approach _him_ , _neither_ Jeonghan could. Even so the worse they did not know each other’s name back then. But back then, Joshua promised to find _him_. 

 

For the second chance, they met but the ending was not fair for them. Just because all the childish act of Jeonghan, the latter broke up with Joshua. He made them drifting apart though they could not leave without one another. And the last part of the heartbreaking story of their own, Joshua needed to marry another person who fell in love with him. A girl who begged for his love though in the end, no one had a chance to steal his heart just like Jeonghan did. 

 

But now, 

 

No one dares to beg for him. Every single day girl probably confess to Joshua but he turns it down politely without making them hurt. He already laid his eyes upon Jeonghan and he believe no one can be like Jeonghan. He just wants him. Just like he wants to help doing his paper or simply walk him home. From a simple thing, he doesn't want anyone else seize his chance to get Jeonghan. 

 

He simply doesn't want to waste a luck on his side. 

 

So does Jeonghan. If only Joshua knows, even the latter seems still doubt of his act. 

 

The latter until now thinks that he is living on a delusion where he sees a past of himself and Joshua within breaking apart which hurts him. He thinks if it is possible to grow a feeling towards him although the same ending will be repeated once again and he has to suffer. He doesn't know it. He just know how natural the feeling swings him around Joshua whenever the latter around him. He is glad. 

 

 _He is glad._  

 

Jeonghan leans his head aside, bumping as he lays naturally again Joshua’s shoulder. “I have a dream last night,” he blurts out as they keep on the slow pace, walking down the street. 

 

Joshua hums. “What dream?” 

 

“About us.” 

 

He does not feel surprised since he dreams of it every single nights since he was a freshmen of their alma-mater. “Then?” 

 

Jeonghan pauses. He takes a deep inhale. “I was died there…because I was stroked by a car…in front of the church.” 

 

Joshua knows this story. He cried a lot after the dream ended in the morning. He always felt sorry. On the other time Jeonghan did not. He did _never_ feel an urge to cry. Yet he felt voidness inside him. He saw himself getting stroked by a car though he took a slow gait. He saw himself getting out the church while inside the church the man always held a wedding matrimony there. He felt empty of the sight. He could not get angry, nor sad of the scene. 

 

“Sorry,” he utters. Joshua sighs. He admits it is all because of his fault. His prayer. His own self. 

 

Jeonghan shakes his head. 

 

“It’s not your fault.” 

 

“It’s mine. I married another person back then. I died before I could approach you.” 

 

“You remember it, Shua,” he retrieves himself from the latter. He shakes his head, signals a step farther from him however Joshua is a bit faster to hold him back again. 

 

“Don’t go..” he wobbly commands, “just don’t…I’m afraid.” 

 

“Shua, it won’t work,” he retorts. Joshua jiggles his head a _no._ “Don’t get faraway from me.” 

 

“Shua…” 

 

“Han…I’m afraid if you’re getting far from me,” he says. Jeonghan can see a sincere from his tone - his eyes which tell more than he can say by his lips. 

 

The other male mutes. 

 

“Don’t go…” he adds again. Those words linger on his lips as his hand keeps gripping the male to stay a little longer after a silent waiting took him for a long time inside the space. 

 

Slowly he draws closer. Slowly he makes a move yet two eyes of his are still locking up in Joshua’s stare. His hand freely climbs as he snakes it around the latter’s neck. He buries his head against him. In a secret time, he takes a chance to cry yearningly - sadly from separating for a long time, he pours out his longing within his tears. 

 

Joshua hugs him, _tightly_ enough to make sure that male will ever not get off from him. To make sure himself that it is not even his figment of imagination nor a glimpse of his nightmare before they get apart for the nth times. He nuzzles his nose to the crook of his neck. 

 

He misses it. A tear comes out freely from his eyes, which surely it will fountain soon. “Sorry…” 

 

“I’m afraid of us, Shua….I’m afraid…” he snorts, “I’m afraid if I wait for you… too long… I’m not going there…so you are not here…” 

 

Both of them _finally_ … 

 

Joshua laps his chin on Jeonghan’s shoulder as they feel everything surround them _unreal_. It feels so fictitious of their delusion - a delusion from deepest longing out of their heart. Howbeit it is not their figment, it is a reality they receive. Though the bond is still unclear, still lines up with the description of best friend, also their feeling still doesn't anchor an answer. They latch their bodies against each other, throwing their tantrum over themselves, so do the longing and sadness. It pours out as the hug tightens. 

 

“I will be there, Han, I’m gonna reach you no matter,” he says. 

 

“How if…” 

 

Joshua’s heart sinks for once more. He knows none can predict about the future, but they have a hope. 

 

“No, though it’s gonna happened soon,” he breaks the hug then cups his cheek, “you shall know that my step will be always directed back to you.” 

 

Jeonghan doesn't lift his head up, he keeps looking at his grip on the hem of Joshua’s coat. He trembles. He _is_ still afraid. He still remembers the days he spent those nights without Joshua, and it terrified him. Even until now. 

 

“I won’t, Han,” he voices as though he reads his mind well, “I won’t leave you again like those days.”

 

There, next he gathers his guts and hopes, lifting his head up. After that they lock their gaze, “I will promise to stay beside you,” Joshua speaks. 

 

Jeonghan nods. “Just don’t try to leave me…” 

 

Joshua smiles. The man before him is always be awaited for his comeback. 

 

“I wait for you.. every single night, now I want to come back,” he rubs his thumb circling around the latter’s cheek, “I want you to come back for me, _also._ ” 

 

A tear drops again. “I’m…” 

 

There is a pause between them. 

 

There is a glimpse of fear within Jeonghan. 

 

There is a bit of doubt if the same ending - the same pain of parting where destiny never allows them to get together twice in one lifetime and waiting is a bit hard for him. Waiting for another lifetime to reunite again, it’s distressing. In addition, to fall in love with another person after parting with their _one_ … it is a tough task too. 

 

“Jeonghan…” 

 

“I can’t, Shua,” he says with a shaky tone through his words. 

 

There is a long silence. 

 

As if the world has just been shut down. Everything deafens that time. Joshua muted also. He feels rejected after what he’s done to be his again. After all, the opportunity to get as one again, it is ruined. The chance he uses now, it becomes a waste. He is unable to stand the life alone, moreover he can not beg for another favour to let Jeonghan say _yes_. His grip upon Jeonghan loosens up. He takes a step back. 

 

“I understa—“ 

 

“No you don’t…I can’t Joshua,” he cuts in. He face-palms. 

 

“I know,”  he says monotonously. He can not hide his disappointment. He does not want to fathom what deity and Jeonghan do. Both of them has experience a tough life by themselves. _Why they can not taste a happy ending?_

 

“I can’t live without you…,” he adds between his faint hiccup. Joshua widens his eyes. He _just_ doesn't believe what happened a few seconds before. His mind doesn't work at that time. He is stunned at his remark. 

 

“Jeonghan…” 

 

His hands tremble as it makes a way to reach the latter back. Jeonghan nods. “Yes I can’t, Soo..” 

 

Those nickname…

 

Jeonghan call him with his birth name. A name that no one know. He looks up, showing how sullen he is. “You leave me for that women.” 

 

A frown that has appeared before, twitting upwards as it draws a smile on his lips. “Sorry, baby,” he says, ruffling the hair of Jeonghan and patting his back, “I will never ditch you to anyone else now…I promise.” 

 

Jeonghan’s lips twitches. He feels relieved. 

 

 

Out from the scene, two people eye them, exhaling a relief sigh. 

 

“At least finally they are together,” a taller male says. The other - _short_ one - gives a bob. 

 

“Did they date each other before?” he asks. 

 

The taller male shrugs his shoulder. “I don’t know, but none talk about his past.” 

 

“I see,” he responds flatly, then he walks away, leaving the other one quietly. But, 

 

“Ya! Lee Jihoon! Don’t leave me alone…!” He runs to catch the latter. 

 

 

From the back, 

 

Jeonghan lays his head upon his lover’s shoulder. “Seems you’re my first….and my last.” 

 

Joshua giggles silently. “Well, you are also…” They keep watching their friends who still deny what bond they do not have and realise from the first time. Joshua glances at his little finger, catching a glimpse of red thread lingering around his. 

 

He smiles. He knows where thread connects him to. He pecks Jeonghan on his temple. He is glad, before his step directs to Jeonghan just like helping himself to get back to his destiny. He only hopes that this lifetime, no one will separate him from the latter. He will not want to suffer after being apart from the _one_ he love to the death, though he will be reborn again, he will love the same person. And it will be always _his_ Yoon Jeonghan. 

 

-끝- 


End file.
